ARK DELAYED INDEFINITELY

By on July 3, 2002

It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in Australia. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, “In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore I am commanding you to build an Ark”. In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. “Remember” said the Lord, “ You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year”.

 Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. “Noah”, he shouted, “where is the Ark?

“Lord please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and re-draw the plans. Then, I got into a fight with OH&S over whether or not the Ark needed fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the local council planning department.

I had a problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the orange bellied parrot. I finally convinced the DNRE that I needed the timber to save the parrots, however the DNRE won’t let me catch any parrots. So, no parrots on the Ark.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the ACTU. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark but still no parrots. When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filling an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineering demanded a map of the proposed new floodplain. I sent them a globe.

 Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunity Commission that I am practising discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.

The ATO has seized all my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the government that I owe some kind of user pays tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.

Finally, the Australian Council of Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas became calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?”

No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”

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